My First Ashram Getaway

I recently had the joy of visiting an ashram for the first time. It was Satchidananda Ashram Yogaville in Buckingham, VA. Let me state first that this is not a review or endorsement of the ashram, I’m simply recalling my experience and lessons learned during my weekend stay and sharing them with the world. I received the weekend retreat as an early birthday gift from my mom, thanks again mom!, and I chose to go the weekend before Christmas as I figured not many people would be there. I was correct. The dorm room I stayed in, which housed seven beds, had only myself and one other lady to accommodate. However, she left on my second day so I had the second night to myself. This visit and time to myself was very important. I had a tough year in 2017 as did many people. I needed to end my year in a positive way. I needed to be surrounded by people on a similar path as myself. I needed to be surrounded by love. I needed to be around beautiful nature and peacefulness. All of these things were met. Truth be told when I arrived I was not in the best mood or mind set. I had been having challenges with my daughter leading up to my visit and I allowed my anger to show up, which exhausts and disappoints me. So I really just wanted to be anti-social when I arrived. When I checked in there were three other ladies doing the same. One of which I have a trace to. She works with the USO on Fort Belvoir and I used to volunteer teaching yoga at the USO on the Army post. I knew eventually we would meet up and talk.

After I checked in, brought my things to my room and looked at the itinerary, the first thing I wanted to do was yoga nidra. After driving four hours, and stopping to take pictures of abandoned houses along the way, I needed to stretch out and relax my body and mind. If you’re not familiar with yoga nidra, or guided relaxation, I highly recommend checking it out and beginning a practice of it. It helps you learn how to completely relax the body and become aware of your thoughts and how to quieten the thoughts, or at least not be so distracted by them. It can help you fall asleep, help you cultivate more positive thought patterns, and prepare you for meditation. It’s quite fantastic! I needed to rest my brain because of the copious amounts of concentration I used driving up to the ashram. You see, I have a fast car, that I love to drive fast and also has superior handling. So when faced with a curvaceous mountain road I felt that I was being challenged to put my car and driving abilities to the paces. It was loads of fun and Jeremy Clarkson would be proud! Let me get back on course. I enjoyed the yoga nidra practice and the symphony of soft snores echoing around me. After that was a guided meditation and by guided I mean sent into outer space without a light or a map of how to get around or return home. I think I accidently attended the self-guided meditation. There was no guidance, only a clock of when to begin and end. But I’m grateful that I have a meditation practice at home because I was not lost in the silence or breath of those around me. Sometimes you have to sit in the darkness, the stillness, to begin your journey. Those are the journeys worth having, when you go within.

From that was dinner. At every meal a blessing is said by the group, even the kitchen staff come out and join in. First it’s recited in Sanskrit then English. All meals are vegetarian which I appreciate. I fixed my plate of yumminess and then I felt my body being pulled over to a small table. There before me was neatly stacked mountain of hot tea boxes. I stood there, happily not containing my smile, at the rising selection staring at me. Cinnamon Rose, Gotu Kola, Peppermint, Ginger Turmeric, Masala Chai, Tulsi Sleep. I joke with people, but it’s not really a joke, that I have a tea cabinet at home instead of a tea shelf. I enjoy coffee and red wine on occasion but I have to have hot tea every day, several times a day. Sipping it brings me happiness, it allows me to slow down be present to the moment I’m in. I’m drinking some right now and I’m convinced that will allow my story telling to get better. After what felt like the same amount of time I sat in meditation, I made my cup and headed to a table. The scene is reminiscent of the cafeteria at high school; long rows of tables and chairs, some groups of people sitting together, others alone. I wanted to sit alone. I picked a seat at the furthest end of a table with my back to the center of the room. Now I will interrupt my own story again to talk about the meals at the ashram. I read online that the food was great, I was not disappointed. Yes, it was hella awesome having someone cook for me for a change, but the food was just fantastic! As I was savoring every single bite of my dinner a woman asked if she could join me. I answered yes. Her name is Patrice and she emanated kindness; I’ve needed more kindness in my life lately. Very quickly we hit it off. I learned that her family is from County Cork Ireland as is my family. She is a musician as am I. And I learned that her visit at the ashram is her time, a gift to herself, as was my visit, a gift. She had been to the ashram several times before and gave me advice on places to hike and other gems of info not known to many other visitors. We talked for close to two hours. I figured out quickly, my first night there, that time was not something I was going to own while at the ashram, but I’m not too bound by time anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night the LOTUS Shrine was illuminated, it normally is not, and after my lovely conversation with my new friend I had only 30 minutes to drive to it, take pictures and walk around inside. Day or night the LOTUS Shrine is a jewel to behold with the eyes. The LOTUS Shrine is literally a building in the shape of a large lotus flower, painted in beautiful hues of pink, blue and white. One thing I appreciate about this ashram is that all faiths are acknowledged and honored here. That’s why it’s called Integral Yoga. I personally do not believe that there is only one right religion. The saying, “Many paths, one God” rings true here. The more you know about other religions the less there is to fear the unknown. The first floor has a display for all the religions of the world. I went upstairs and felt something I’ve never felt before. It was a perfect mixture of calm, peace and feeling that I truly belonged in that space. A light shines down from the ceiling and illuminates points where those same religions downstairs are highlighted upstairs. There are chairs placed around the room and I suspect for a reason. I did not want to leave. In fact, I had a vision of myself laying on the floor and falling asleep. That would be an awesome place to have an adult sleepover, but a higher consciousness sleepover with yoga, meditation, chanting and hot tea, lots of hot tea. After that very long, tiring, relaxing, filling day it was time for sleep. I set my alarm for 6am so as to attend the 6:55am yoga class. Crazy, yes.

5:30am, I’m in that perfect sleep/dreaming/waking state where everything is made up of clouds and varying shades of muted white. I hear the faint melody of a lone violin, softly, slowly making its way toward my room. I think to myself, “This is death coming for me. Playing the violin. What a beautiful way to die.” Then I fully woke up and remembered reading online about the dorm wake-up call being music from a violin. Looks like I won’t be reborn today. So I attended the earliest yoga class I’ve ever taken in my life and I loved the instructor. She talked so much about anatomy and I’m a self-proclaimed anatomy nerd. Then it was on to a glorious breakfast and that humbling selection of teas. I didn’t have much time to chat with anyone because my next event was sitting in a lecture called “Yoga in Daily Life”, and I needed to hear this more than anything right then in my life. I knew nothing of the speaker, only that she is called Mataji and she is the most senior nun at the ashram. Mataji in Sanskrit means mother with the highest reverence. Before Mataji arrived we learned that she had had a stroke just two months prior but healed so quickly that she was back at work 3 days afterward. That’s the power of meditation baby! To see her move and hear her speak you would never know she had a CV accident. I also learned that she was trained in music as a child in D.C. and that surreal death-march music I had heard that morn was actually her playing the violin. Think about it, what if we awoke every morn to such a gentle kiss on the eardrums? There was so much love and peace coming from her, I could feel it. Though she never married or had children, I felt the true essence of a loving mother from her. How very fitting in my life, questioning my mothering skills and being hard on myself as a mom, to have this time with Mataji. I had an epiphany moment in that lecture. For years I’ve been working so hard to be a better person. I’m constantly over analyzing myself, questioning what I should be learning from all the experiences I go through, the decisions I make, seeking help from my therapist, and reading highly regarded self-help books; feeling like I’m on this never ending quest to do better and be better. But I realized from something Mataji said, why don’t I just start living what I’ve been learning? I can stop striving so hard to be better and just start being that person I’ve become. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to continue to evolve through life and learn the lessons along the way, it means I’m going to apply this stuff. I am already a good person, I have good intentions, a loving heart and compassionate mind. I don’t have to always only be in student mode. I’m in living mode. She also really stressed the message of taking better care of each other AND the Earth. Seriously guys, we have to take better care of our home, there is nowhere else for us or our kids to live.

After that was lunch. Again, I chose to sit alone at the end of a table and again another young lady came and asked to join me. She had met Patrice and Patrice told her about me and my momcations. This was her first time being away from her young daughter and we chatted about that. About how important it is for every mom to take some time to be alone and spend quality time with herself. It’s not selfish, someone might try to tell you it is, don’t listen to them. We talked about the differences of where we live. I currently live near Fort Bragg in North Carolina, she lives in Portland. Worlds of a difference in every respect. But I related to her how hard it is to find people on a similar path as myself when immersed in military life. And it was comforting, again, to find someone whose light was shining so brightly for me to find. After we chatted for a while I noticed it was lightly raining. I had planned to go hiking after lunch but I wasn’t going to let a little rain stop me. Luckily I brought an umbrella, lots of warm clothes and hiking boots. I followed a trail, there are several on the 1,000 acres of property owned by the ashram, soothed by the sound of rain hitting my umbrella and the dead fallen leaves just waiting to be stepped on. I walked along the snaking path and discovered a small lake. I walked toward it and was greeted by a wall of fog. I stood there looking at it, it seemed to be looking at me. Then it encircled me, dancing around me several times. It floated on to the surface of the lake where it danced a little more then quickly disappeared. I felt that there was something to it, it was there just for me and was not merely a tightly bound collection of tiny water droplets. I felt special that it showed itself to me. I believe in the supernatural. I believe that energy presents itself in ways that can and cannot be explained. I had wished there was a dry spot somewhere, anywhere, so I could sit and simply be one with the rain and nature. This was my happy place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After my hands and toes were pretty well numb I hiked back to the ashram and had a fantastic nap. I awoke in time to attend my first Hatha yoga class. It was great! The structure of the class was very different for me and I loved it. I have now incorporated elements of it into my personal yoga practice. I chose to do the level 2 class and headstands were offered during this practice. I’m now going to share my headstand story because to me it’s very powerful. I began practicing yoga in 2008. Headstand or handstand have never been my goal with yoga. I have known many people, some being yoga instructors, who conveyed that the ultimate prize or goal, for them, is headstand. The first time I attended a yoga class when headstand was offered, the instructor did absolutely no set-up for it. She simply said, “Ok, it’s time to get into headstand.” I was new to her class, she had no idea of my abilities, or lack of, during that time. Needless to say, I did not get into that posture and I felt like a jerk and failure for it. I did not return to her class again, nor attempt headstand until a year or so later. But I wasn’t ready yet. For many years I’ve been teaching, and doing in my home practice, the poses that build one up for headstand. However, I stress this, I do not teach the pose in my class, I have strong reasons for not doing so. One being that I feel I need to work with someone for a while and know if they are ready for it, physically and mentally. For years I’ve been strengthening and creating muscle memory to someday do headstand while never putting the pressure on myself to do it. Then one night last year, I had a dream. This was during a time of great challenges in my life but I was facing them rather than running away or denying them. My dream was that I went to my yoga mat and easily got into headstand. The next morn I went to my mat, after warming up first, and successfully got into headstand. Now I’ve learned any time I ask my body to get into the pose I am able to. Powerful, right? I also repeat a mantra when I get there, it’s “I am as strong as the Earth.”

After class was dinner and I had the pleasure of sharing it with the two ladies I met and some others who joined us. I specifically remember the meal that night because I find myself craving it now. Sweet and sticky tofu with coconut broccoli rice. I have since recreated the rice dish with my own liberties, as per typical of me. Then it was on to Satsang for some rocking Kirtan. Satsang is a “gathering together for truth”, as described by the ashram. Kirtan is call and response singing or chanting in Sanskrit and English. I shook a maraca and tried to keep up with the Kirtan part, I survived at best. Satsang and Kirtan are a means of getting together with those in the community as a spiritual practice. In Christianity this would be a congregation coming together to sing praise and worship songs.

The next morn I was again woken up to the cherub strings of mortality and then I attended another lovely Hatha yoga practice. After breakfast I joined in another lecture, this one with Swami Hamsananda. She’s been involved with Integral Yoga since the 60’s and she is a riot. I also learned some great lessons from her but I’ll get to that later. At lunch I sat at the end of a table and the Swami sat in a chair close to me. I didn’t want to disturb her during meal time so I just relished sitting in her presence. Then one of the men who works at the ashram came over to ask her a question, something along the lines of what does it all mean or I get it but I don’t really get it (meaning the existence and living of life). Obviously I had to listen to her insight, then I was brought into the conversation. We were talking about how to live or keep up a spiritual practice with the busy lives we have and the chaos that threatens to disrupt us on our path. The Swami turned to me and asked what I do. Boy did this humble and honor me. This woman who has devoted her life to God by serving others in a big way acknowledged me and was curious to my method. I told her it’s hard when you’re raising a 5-year old, there are so many ups and downs, distractions, mom guilt, and abundant amounts of tiredness. I told her I meditate regularly but it’s never been my goal to reach enlightenment, I’m open to it happening or not. Equanimity. But I know I need to do more, spiritually. She said when you do your puja, daily spiritual practice in Hinduism, you go to your alter that either has a statue or picture of God on it. You leave food because it represents your offering to feed God, you leave clothing or fabric as your offering to clothe God. Perhaps you’re wondering what this all means. In the Hindu religion, not just Hindu though, we recognize that God is within all beings; people, animals, the earth. Therefore, one way to worship God is by feeding and clothing others, this is service or Karma Yoga. The Swami asked if I feed my daughter, yes. Then she asked if I clothe her, again, yes. She told me my current spiritual practice is feeding, clothing, loving and taking care of my child. God is within her, therefore this is my daily puja. My eyes filled with tears from this message. This perspective also allows me to be more patient with my daughter and not get hot tempered, which can be pretty easy when you’re a parent. She reminded me that there will come a time when this will not be my puja, it will change through my lifetime.

During this conversation the lady I met at check-in asked if she could join us. The four of us continued our exchange until the Swami and the worker left. This allowed me to have that time to talk to the lady from check-in. We talked for about two hours. It’s not often I get to have discussions with people about yoga and therapy, specifically trauma, but I got some glorious talk in and I am grateful for it. This is where one of the lessons from the weekend revealed itself to me. I wanted to be alone and in isolation while at the ashram, however, God put three beautiful souls in my presence to show me I’m not alone and there are others on a similar path as me. I have to go the right places to find these souls.

I’m not gonna lie, it was hard leaving the ashram even though I had plans to spend Christmas Eve with a dear friend. I was instructed to go to Chidambaram Shrine on my way out. I parked my car, got out my camera and realized I was on a high peak overlooking the LOTUS Shrine. I approached the shrine and could not contain the emotion that hit me; my tears starting flowing hard, almost ugly crying, almost, but not quite. There was a large statue of Shiva encased in glass. As I slowly walked toward it I felt every single emotion all at once, it was quite powerful. I felt tiny and universal at the same time. For a split second I understood everything about the why’s and how’s of life. And that was all I needed to know that I am love and peace, and loved and peaceful. I came to the ashram as an exhausted and sad soul, I left whole. It was not any person who did this for me; it was my own journey and desire to heal myself, to reconnect with myself. As Swami Hamsananda related to us a bumper sticker she saw in the ashram parking lot: The world is the teacher, the lesson is Love. How can we turn our world lessons into an equation of love?